This month, we are introducing our new bloggers not only with their posts, but with a video!
By Lisa Baker
What is the first thing you think when you hear dementia? Well, for me and my family this very word has put our lives in a tailspin.
First, my Mom was diagnosed with dementia in May. From the day she got her diagnosis she went downhill so fast. She couldn’t walk without a walker. She had to wear adult diapers or pull ups. She blamed me for so many things: I took all of her money and spent it. I messed up the checkbook. I was trying to kill her. That’s just a few things I had done, according to her.
Slowly we began to realize the very best she was going to be was at that moment. For the only guarantee was she would get worse not better. So we began the whirlwind of trying to get used to our new normal that was changing daily.
In June, my Dad also was diagnosed with dementia. So now we multiply all the above by two. If we thought things were tough before you could only imagine how they were now.
So…….how do you even begin to get through the initial shock? I think one of the most important and valuable things my parents did for us was to already have their wills done. And with them their medical power of attorney and financial power of attorney.
So many people think that they will do their will later, sometime in the future. You need to do it while you are of sound mind. After a diagnosis of dementia isn’t the best time to do this. Talk with your loved ones so you know what they want. Yes, my parents have all that in place and still it can be hard.
We still had to get a letter from their doctors stating they could no longer handle their financial affairs. Most doctors will want to see your loved one before they will write such a letter.
Talk with your loved one now about what they want and don’t want for medical care. That also means the hard questions such as, “Do you want all life saving measures such as feeding tubes if your quality of life will be compromised? Do you want to be resuscitated if you stop breathing?”
Know about their medical insurance as well as life insurance. Where you can find the policies and who can you ask if you have questions.
The next thing to try to get used to is things constantly changing more for the worse then for the better. Remember there is no cure and no guarantees other than they will get worse.
So today is the best it will be and tomorrow won’t be as good as today was.
If and when you need to consider a facility for your loved one do all the research you can. There are memory care centers and nursing homes as well as assisted living centers.
At this time, we have my Mom in a nursing home facility and on hospice care. My Dad is in a memory care facility. They are at separate places that are best for their needs at this time. We would have loved to keep them together however Mom’s care is a lot more involved at this point then Dad’s.
Cost is also a huge factor in finding a facility for your love one. I’m talking thousands of dollars. Yes, there are places that take insurance but there are also private pay places as well. Ask to take a tour of any facility before placing your loved one.
You also learn quickly to join your loved one in the frame of mind they are at in this moment. There is no way to change their mind and no need to argue, you won’t win. You will learn to redirect them, but you won’t be able to change their mind.
During one of my Mom’s hospital stays she insisted that Dad had divorced her and had remarried a 17-year-old girl. This was during the time that Dad got his diagnosis and therefore had not been able to go see her very much. I did start out trying to get her to understand only to realize nothing I said was going to change her mind. Looking back, I have to laugh a bit about it. She was very serious.