Making Peace with My Body

By: Mary Pat Baldauf

tumblr_kx1lagnvy91qah3ado1_500Sunday, I woke up tired, groggy from pain meds and in some discomfort from the angiogram I had earlier in the week. I had a million things I wanted to do, but decided to rest and have a low key day. I pulled out a legal pad, and the next thing I knew, I was re-writing the profile on my “My Fitness Pal” food log and fitness app.

I’ve resisted updating this profile, but it’s time for a fresh start. It’s been a crazy 19 months, to say the least. The more I wrote, the more I wanted to write, and soon it came together as this blog post.

Six years ago I started a wellness program through my workplace and lost nearly 100 lbs. I didn’t know then that this transformation was preparing me for the fight of my life: a ruptured brain aneurysm in March 2015. It wasn’t an easy recovery by any means, but the doctors credit my survival to the fact that I was healthy and fit at the time of the rupture. (Thinking back to my rehab days, I don’t think I could’ve done it with any extra weight, but especially not an extra 100 lbs.!)

Thankfully, I suffered no permanent deficits, but my vocal cords were damaged during intubation, which has impacted both my voice and my breathing. Both are being treated and may get better, but for now my workouts are limited due to my constrained airway. Since around January, 2016, I’ve been doing light strength training with cardio on the NuStep and/or treadmill at a local gym. I’m definitely building strength, especially noticeable over the last few weeks, but I can’t do the hour on the treadmill or elliptical like I used to do.

mary patWith today’s weigh in, I’m officially up about 11.3 lbs. from the day I had the rupture. It doesn’t sound like much, but with my inability to exercise at the same intensity, it looks and feels like five times that amount. To add insult to injury, most of the changes have occurred between my waist and knees. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and worst of all, like an overweight short-haired-blonde Wonder Woman.

Today, I’m taking steps to make peace with myself and get a fresh start. My weight is up, and I look and feel much different, but that doesn’t take anything away from my miraculous recovery and my gratitude for surviving. I am where I am, and I’m thankful to be here. My body has been through a significant trauma, and if it took a weight gain to survive, that’s okay. If given the choice, I would’ve easily opted for the weight gain over dying. But because I do now appreciate life so much more, I’d like to lose some weight so I can enjoy it more fully and freely.

My journey starts now. I’ve set a goal of 22 lbs. to keep myself honest, but it’s less about the number and more about the way I feel.

Here’s to a fresh start and the beginning of a new chapter in my recovery.

0 thoughts on “Making Peace with My Body

  1. You are AWESOME! Keep the weight or lose it–doesn’t matter because you are amazing! As I used to tell a friend (and goes for you too)–if there is more of you, it only means there is more of you to love–congrats on all of your progress in the last year!!

  2. You are AWESOME!! Gain the weight, lose the weight, doesn’t matter because you are amazing!! As I used to tell a friend of mine ‘if you gain weight, there is just more of you to love’–bask in your accomplishments during the past year, and never doubt that there are many in your corner!!

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