Failure! Failure?

By: Crissie Miller Kirby

I loathe the word failure.  By nature, for me, “failure is not an option.” So, as I paused to reflect on 2012 and those resolutions I made, and posted here for the world to see, I had to determine whether they had been a lesson in torture or triumph.

First, I took a few minutes to actually reread the post, not quite remembering what I written.  I had resolved to be healthier, be more organized, and to stop being ashamed of my failed marriage.

When I started thinking about those items, I first thought, “Oh, great Crissie ~ you FAILED!  Miserably!”

But, then again, did I?

Okay, I will be honest ~ when it comes to being healthier, I did not do well, at all.  I rarely got to the gym and my self-imposed ban on sweet tea and soda, well, it fell by the wayside.  So, I’m trying again.  “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”  Tonight the boys start a karate class and I will start kickboxing.  Yes, I promise, I will keep you posted on how that goes.

In regards to more organization; honestly, I didn’t do as well here either.  But, when I got down to the nitty gritty, I didn’t totally fail.  It has taken me 34 years to really realize that, while I am a pack rat and a hoarder by nature, that I CAN break the cycle and I CAN get rid of things.  To that end, I have thrown away more things this past year.  I have not stored as much stuff or held on to things that are, really, meaningless.  I’ve realized that being more organized is a process, which, after spending 34 years collecting “stuff,” is going to take time. So, I’m going to give myself a little pat on the back for this area because at least I have started and I believe, in the end, I will succeed.

Now, to the area where I think I have made the most progress and had the most success.

Essentially, my goal was to stop being ashamed of the fact that I am divorced.  I AM DIVORCED.  I am divorced.  Divorced.  Single.  But, I am not dead, and it is time to hold my head high.  And, I think that I did accomplish this goal from 2012.  Sure, I hate being divorced, but not because I desire my “old” life back; I hate being divorced because I still don’t like divorce in general.  But, I have taken comfort in knowing that in my own situation it was a last resort, and it is not the end of the world, and I am still alive and well.

I can honestly say that I feel like I came alive in 2012.  I lived life to the fullest.  I started going to church more often, when I was home (the boys and I traveled to the coast a lot this past summer).  I had shied away from church activities because in some ways, I didn’t feel as if I belonged anymore.  But, I do belong.  My children belong.

And, I’ve started dating again, somewhat, in small baby steps.  But, that is not an area that needs to or will be rushed.  I’m in no huge hurry to be married again, although some day, I would like that, simply because I enjoyed being married, but not because I HAVE to be married.

Now, I look back at 2012 as a lesson.  A lesson in life.  A lesson in areas that need a little work and areas that just need to keep going at the pace at which they are moving already.

2012 was NOT a failure.

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