April is Sexual Assault and Child Abuse Prevention Month. Last month, I shared with you why we cannot remain silent about this issue any longer. Did you know that according to experts, ONLY 1 out of 10 sexually abused children will come forward and tell someone about it? This means that even your well-meaning child whom you already had a discussion with about safe and unsafe touch, might not speak to you if they become a victim of sexual assault.
As a mother of three young children, I am always rehearsing and talking with them about stranger danger, as well as the danger that could happen with the very people they know. A scary thought, I know, but we cannot live in fear; we MUST be proactive. Rosalyn Moses, Executive Director of the Family Resource Center trains and equips teachers, counselors, parents and children on this topic. She says we must first begin by talking to our children about sexuality and sexual abuse in age-appropriate terms. Ms. Moses says by doing so, it teaches children that it is okay to talk to you when they have questions.
Here is how the conversation should go:
Credit: Michal Marcol
Teach children the names of their body parts, not nick names, so they have the language to ask questions and express concerns about those body parts.
Teach children that some parts of their bodies are private.
Let them know people should not be touching or looking at their private parts unless they need to touch them to provide care.
If someone does need to touch them in those private areas, a parent or trusted caregiver should be there too.
Tell children that if someone tried to touch those private areas or wants to look at them, or if someone tries to show the child their own private parts, they should tell a trusted adult as soon as possible.
ALL children should be told that it’s okay to say “no” to touches that make them uncomfortable or if someone is touching them in ways that make them uncomfortable that they should tell a trusted adult as soon as possible.
Don’t try to put all this information into one big “talk” about sex.
Be interested in your child’s activities by asking questions about their day.
Talk about the media, especially if your child watches a lot of television or plays video games. Use these opportunities to start up conversations about sexuality and sexual abuse.
Know the other adults that your child may talk to.
Be available, spend time with your child and let them know they can come to you if they have questions or if someone is talking to them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable.
Ms. Moses also adds, “When you empower your child to say ‘NO’ to unwanted touch and teach them that they can come to you with questions and concerns, you take critical steps to preventing child sexual abuse.”
As parents, the best we can ever do for our children is prepare them. While I would hope that no child would ever have to deal with the trauma of sexual violence, it is still a dark reality. However, if we take the time to shed light on it now, we can eventually eradicate this epidemic from our community.
Want to know more? All of the statewide Child Advocacy Centers are available for training. You can locate a local CAC by visiting www.scmcac.org. If you are a victim or need to find a rape crisis center, you can find one your area by going to www.sccadvasa.org.
We all know that kids indeed can say the darnedest things. And us parents and teachers certainly experience our share of interesting situations when we react with either chuckles, body shaking laughter or complete, speechless horror at what we hear come out of kids’ mouths!
Over Spring Break, I had the pleasure of experiencing this sort of thing at its height. My precious children never cease to amaze me with their brilliant minds. Sometimes their 9 and 7 year old ways of thinking truly astound me–in all sorts of ways. I thought I’d share just two occurrences with you fabulous readers–it’s sure to make you giggle, laugh out loud or at least smile!
So one night my 9 year old, angel girl Miss Mina, had climbed into bed with me at some point in the wee hours of the night and she promptly woke up way too early. I opened my eyes to this precious lil’ blonde fairy child staring right into my face, literally about an inch away from my nose. As soon as my eyes opened, that was her cue – Yay! Mommy’s up! Her mouth immediately went into overdrive. As we snuggled, the stories and questions went on and on. (This is one of those times as a parent when you really wish you could get video footage!) One of her topics of discussion was, “If you could have ten wishes for life, what would they be?” I struggled to make my brain operate at 6 a.m., knowing that not only had she awoken me, but she’d also woken up the dog too, who was itching to go out to do his business. So one of my ten wishes was, “I wish pets never had to pee or poop.” This naturally prompted a ‘kids say the darnedest things’ moment…my Mina’s immediate response, with total serious concern, was “But Mommy, their butts would explode!” ☺ Oh let me tell ya, I was awake then! I started laughing so hard, she couldn’t help but laugh with me, though she was still very concerned about these pets whose butts would explode if they never peed nor pooped. This led to a discussion, led by her of course, about how animals would just look too weird without their pee pee parts and as she put it, without butt cracks. I had to explain to her that with my wish, the pets would still have all their body parts and look the same, their insides would just be such that they’d never have to go potty, and therefore we’d never have to clean up their messes! Wouldn’t it have been totally priceless to have had a video or recording of that conversation!
Now moving on to my 7 year old son, Sawyer. Now there’s a kid whose personality and “ways” will keep you on your toes! He can be shy, overly sensitive and nearly impossible in one moment and a total ham the next. Over Spring Break my Mina was sick and required a visit to the doctor. We had about an hour and a half before the doctor could see us, so I decided to utilize that time to take Sawyer to get a much needed hair cut. We went to Snip Its, which my child usually LOVES. On this particular day, he decided a haircut was the last thing in the world that he wanted to do and he proceeded to torture me during the entire experience. Pouting, moaning, groaning, tears, the whole bit, and all while my precious Mina was feeling absolutely terrible with fever and an awful stopped up head. So I did the ‘Mommy tap dance’ to try to keep everyone happy and tried to convince the stylist that my boy really isn’t a total pisspot all the time.
We survived the haircut experience and Sawyer looked incredibly handsome. Well, he must’ve picked up on the fact that he really did like his haircut because some way, somehow, by the time we got back to the doctor’s office and were sitting in the examine room, Sawyer had turned into a confident, wild comedian. And I’m not kidding, this kid WAS ON! I’m talking, constant fart noises, bouncing around, jokes and all. Fortunately the doctor was a friend of mine that I cheered with in high school, who has young children of her own, so she kept reassuring me that it was ok every time she saw the look of embarrassment on my face. I seriously thought I was going to have to duct tape Sawyer to a chair in order to get him to chill – that is how “ON” he was. So here’s one of my kids having to endure her throat being swabbed and a long q-tip stuck into her nose up to what seemed like was too close to her brain to test for flu – and we all know that is NOT fun! And my angel girl was the most amazing patient ever. The child did not even cry! I think I would have cried had it been me! I was utterly amazed at my child.
Well after experiencing that, feeling terrible, and then adding Sawyer’s wild antics to the picture, let’s just say, Mina was about ready to kill her brother…literally. Mina declared, “I wish I was an only child! Mommy, I’m mad at your tummy for making Sawyer!” I proceeded to look up at my doc friend and under my breath say, “Well, it wasn’t my tummy that’s responsible for making the kid.” Of course supersonic, wild man Sawyer didn’t miss a beat, and he declares, “Yea, it’s your pee pee’s fault! I came out of your pee pee!” followed by a mischievous, evil laugh…… my oh my, yep, the body shaking laughter followed after that one. The doctor literally about fell out of her chair! Even Mina was laughing. It was the pinnacle of it all, after all his poot noises and other silly antics, and proved to be one of those moments in which the only thing you could do was laugh! Oh and let me tell ya, Sawyer knew he’d pulled a good one; I thought the kid might even bow or something! He followed suit with inappropriate declarations of where he thought babies came from. Yea, it got bad – I had to stifle the laughter something fierce and kick into threatening Mommy mode to get the kid to hush. I felt awful for the people outside waiting – all these sick people who feel terrible and they’re having to hear us all cutting up and laughing in the examining room, not cool! And it doesn’t end there!
We get Mina’s diagnosis – which was NOT good – she tested positive for the flu! ☹ The doctor walks us out of the room, everyone is watching us of course, probably wondering what in the heck was going on or ready to pummel us for seeming to be having way too good of a time with all the wildness and laughter. I have my Mina tell the doctor thank you and she does so with total, polite sweetness. Then I look over at Sawyer, who’s standing there looking down, already playing a game on his Kindle, and I tell him to apologize to the doctor for being such a wild child. He immediately looks up, all wide eyed with a crazy face and simply yells “Weiner!” and then goes right back to his game. Yep, my son, in front of EVERYONE. In response to my request that he say he was sorry, he looks right up at the doctor and yells the word “weiner.” No kidding. Even the sick people waiting laughed at this one. It was unbelievable. I will never, ever forget that moment. As a mother, it’s one of those unforgettable experiences with your children that you will remind them of for years and years to come! If only I had had a video of the whole thing, it would’ve been YouTube gold! I could’ve won tons on America’s Funniest Home Videos!
Once we finally escaped to the car, even Mina, with her 101.9 fever and aches, declared that she felt better from all the laughing! I tell ya, you can’t write this stuff. It was really just one of those days in which I felt like I was living out a comedy sitcom or had to have been on a hidden camera show or something. It was one for the memory books, for sure! So to conclude, YES indeed, kids say the darnedest things! ☺
In an ode to this subject, I thought I’d share some videos that you are sure to enjoy. Most of you will probably remember the television show hosted by Bill Cosby back in the late 90s, Kids Say the Darnedest Things. He drew inspiration and showed clips from the classic Art Linkletter show, Art Linkletter’s House Party. These clips are fantastic! Enjoy! And please do share with me any of your own experiences in which you’ve been around a kid that said the darnedest things!
Yes, you guessed it, I have uncovered yet another article that has led me to a blog posting that I really think almost any of my Every Woman blogger cohorts could write. Even if you don’t have kids, you have an opinion about whether little kids should believe in Santa Claus or not.
I’ll be honest with you, I don’t even remember how old I was when I realized that Santa Claus’ boots were really filled by my mom and dad. There was the year that I got a bicycle: I remember sneaking to the den only to find the doors closed and voices coming from behind. I think that “Santa” was probably saying some choice words over that Strawberry Shortcake bicycle that night! As we got older, my brother and I would actually go on hunts to find our Christmas gifts after we knew our parents had gone shopping. Instead of disappointment, it almost became a game; to see if we could find them, and to (secretly) make fun of their lame hiding places. The big, huge, flat box under my parent’s bed was a dead giveaway that a ping pong table would be standing beside the Christmas tree. There were the oddly shaped items covered with quilts in my parent’s closet. Surely, they didn’t think that we honestly believed that the quilts and afghans stood up by themselves. Then there was the year I asked for a telephone for my bedroom. Ah, yes, then came the day my mom asked me to clean up the living room where she had been wrapping Christmas gifts. And there, on the floor, was the receipt for a telephone, and we certainly didn’t have any new ones in the house at that point. The gig was definitely up at that point. When questioned, my mama said I shouldn’t have been so nosey. Really? She left the receipt on the floor!
Those are actually fond, fun memories for me- not earth shattering news that has me in therapy in my mid-thirties! It actually meant the world to me that my parents always paid attention to what I truly wanted and that most of the time it was there, under the tree. Although, I’m still a little scarred over never having gotten that pony. In all seriousness, I learned some valuable lessons watching my parents on those Christmas mornings of my childhood. My dad, who is the least outright affectionate man on the earth, always, gave my mom some beautiful piece of jewelry or beautiful outfits that he knew she would love. And it went beyond just the gift itself; often the fun part was watching her receive the gift. There was the year he wrapped a ring in a microwave box (please remember this was the 80’s, so this box was enormous), and there were magazines and even a brick or two inside the box. There were multiple wrapped boxes inside each other until she got down to the tiny ring box. From those early Christmas mornings, I learned to pay attention to what people liked and disliked and I learned how special it made them feel to receive something that so much careful consideration had been given to.
My point in writing this is that there are so many who think that allowing children to believe in Santa Claus is harmful, in some way, to them. I wholeheartedly disagree. I will not take the credit for the following, as it was something I found on Pinterest, that fully echoes the sentiment of those of us who truly believe that children can learn valuable lessons from Santa, not just selfishness and greed.
“Dear Ryan, You asked a really good question, “Are Mom and Dad really Santa?” We know that you want to know the answer, and we had to give it careful thought to know just what to say. The answer is No. We are not Santa. There is no single Santa. We are the people who fill you stocking and choose and wrap the presents under the tree – just as our parents did for us, their parents did for them, and you will do for your kids someday. This could never make any of us Santa, though. Santa is lots and lots of people who keep the Spirit of Christmas alive. He lives in our hearts – not at the North Pole. Santa is the magic and love and spirit of giving to others. What he does is teach children to believe in something they cannot see or touch. Throughout your life you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your family, in your friends, and in God.”
This explains perfectly why the belief in Santa is not necessarily bad and why my children will continue to believe for a while yet, I do hope anyway. I am not ready to see an end to the magic.
Who doesn’t like getting a pat on the back or hearing a job well done? As a mom, it seems like I spend a great deal of time applauding my children for their good deeds. I do not mind because I firmly believe a child with a high self-esteem and self-worth translates into an adult who is a benefit to their friends, family and community. However, I have recently been wondering if we give too many “rewards” for the sake of making sure children feel appreciated? And is this practice really damaging?
Here is my case: I have a 2 year-old boy, a 5 year-old girl and a 6 year-old girl. All three attend school. Yes, even the 2 year-old goes three days a week. All three are rewarded and recognized for “good” behavior at the end of the week. For example, when the 6 year-old keeps all her M&M’s at the end of the week she can make a trip to the treasure box. I understand it is a way to teach the benefit of following the classroom rules and being a good citizen in school. I believe that in those early years with our children we should teach them about both the good and bad consequences of their decisions. However, here is my quandary: When are rewards just too much? I have found lately that my children want a “treat,” as they call it, for everything.
“Mommy, I cleaned up my room. Can I get a treat?”
“Mommy, I kept all my M&M’s. Can I get a treat?”
“Mommy, I just shared with my brother. Can I get a treat?”
My husband has never been a huge fan of this practice because it creates an expectation that they MUST be rewarded or celebrated for everything they do, even if what they do should be expected. At first when the girls started school, I bought into this practice of rewarding their behavior for every activity. I can remember when it started. It started with potty training. We adopted the Dora the Explorer attitude. “Yay, You Did It!” I encouraged with words of affirmation and gifts of celebration. Now, fast forward to the present. After years of rewards, we are teaching our children that the best reward is the knowledge that you did the right thing. As you can imagine this does not go over well with the 5 year-old who is particular to celebration. I guess old habits die hard.
I really started thinking about this in terms to our world. How many times this week did you receive a pat on the back? Or receive a “reward” for a job well done? My pastor recently said something that really resonated with me. He said we are parenting mini adults. What we set up now will be what they live out as an adult. That is a sobering thought. Recently, while my 5 year-old practiced writing her letters, she started crying and really needed some reinforcement. I encouraged her but I realized quickly she wanted me to say that if she did the work she would receive a reward. My husband picked up on this too and told her she is not always going to be celebrated or given a reward to do what she needs to do. Isn’t that life? Our job as parents is to prepare our children for life. In life you may be picked last for the dodge ball game, in life you will get an “A” on a project but your teacher may not give you an additional reward, and in life, when you take care of responsibilities like cleaning the kitchen or paying your bills, you may not get a reward each and every time.
Here is the bottom line: I have learned how to prioritize the reward system. I have often reminded the girls that sometimes the best reward is being proud for making a good decision. Rewards like candy, a little toy or gold stars are all good, but the best reward is when you know in your “knower” you have done the right thing and that is reward enough!
What do you think? Do you reward your children every time they do something well? Do you think the “rewards” system is setting our children up for failure?
Our family started our Thanksgiving off with the loss of another fish. Nemo or Ceelo (not really sure which one) went home to the big fish bowl in the sky. Apparently, it is not enough just to feed the fish but you have to check the pump and make sure it is not clogged (deep sigh). I must take full responsibility for that one, oops! Unfortunately, this is not our first fish tale. We lost Freddy the Fish about two years ago. Here is his untimely story.
It all began with a class lesson in the letter “F”. My middle daughter was in 3K. Her teacher sent each kid home with a fish named (you guessed it), Freddie: The Fish. I thought it was a clever idea. The week before, my parents had purchased two goldfish, Nemo and Ceelo (not to be confused with the singer Cee-Lo Green). It seemed like a good idea at the time. So Nemo, Ceelo and Freddie: The Fish were all living in one big happy fish tank. Freddie: The Fish, the smallest of the three, could not eat the same pellet fish food as the others, so we fed him the flaky fish food. We watched Freddie’s food intake until one day, when I noticed that Freddie was looking, well, not so fishy. He was moving rather slow and he looked quite seasick! I know, he’s a fish, and they live in water, but Freddie looked really, really sick!
The next day, we got up as usual and got the kids ready for school. That morning, while saying our prayers, our oldest (who was 5 at the time) thanked the Lord for Freddie. Well, sometime later that day, Freddie went belly up- literally. Thank God the kids didn’t notice. I believe that was the Lord’s grace for all of us. My husband took the kids to school and I had to fish- I mean scoop- poor Ol’ Freddie out of the tank. I put him in a Starbucks paper cup as we tried to figure out what to do.
When in doubt and in need of a good laugh, the best place to turn is, of course, Facebook. The following is my Facebook post the morning of the discovery (names are removed to protect the innocent):
My Post: Whelp, “Freddie the Fish” is belly up, literally. After prayer with the kids today, Jacobee and I discovered the lifeless body. Smh. Goldfish. Now I am preparing myself to get this thing out of the tank and talk to the kids. Smh. Now I know what Cliff Huxtuable felt like when Rudy’s gold fish died on the Cosby Show (sigh).
Comment:Oh…Freddie!!
Comment:Whattt??? I just met him yesterday. He didn’t look sick… When is the funeral?
Comment:Weeelll u could do what we did…take fish back and exchange it for one that looks like it. If the kids dont know its dead it wont matter….
Comment:Gotta stick to beta fish .. they last longer ..lol. hope the kids do ok with the news…
Comment:That was the best Cosby episode….I do find myself resorting to some of Cliff’s tacktics with my kids from time to time….lol So sorry about the fish
Comment:Is Jael going to put on a black leotard for the funeral? : ) (One of the best TV episodes ever…)
Comment:Ok see that’s why I like stuffed animals! Smh
Comment:RIP Freddy the fish
Comment:we had a beta fish to die about two years ago and for a while if you even mentioned the fish name, Spencer would cry. I made the mistake of getting rid of the fish while they were gone for the weekend. Grief and mourning for like a year. A funeral would be ummm….cute. lol!
As you can see the responses were pretty funny! My husband and I seriously thought about replacing Freddie before the girls got home from school. Then we thought that would be lying, the very thing we tell them not to do.
Well, the time came to tell the girls about Freddie The Fish. I started off with, “Girls, I have something to tell you.” This got their attention. But for some reason the younger child, the three-year-old, kept looking over at the fish tank. “Girls, Freddie The Fish is dead.” (pause) In unison they both said “Awww, Freddie…” and then came the questions. The main question was about Freddie now? I told them he was in a paper cup. They wanted to see him and say their good-byes. I allowed them to do so and then little Freddie went floating with the fishes (again, I could not resist!). Basically, Daddy flushed Freddie down the toilet. The girls’ response: “He may get lost!”
So, here we are 2 years later dealing with another fish drama. Instead of replacing the fish, I have decided to look for a pet with a longer life span. Any suggestions?
I recently read an article in a magazine that discussed the importance of fostering a thankful attitude in children. If our children don’t absorb the value of thankfulness from us parents, teachers, mentors and coaches at an early age, then who will it come from?
The ability to be grateful for the good things in your life is an important part of a person’s character. If us adults show and share our own thankfulness, hopefully the children in our lives will learn to do the same and even be a healthier individual for it!
When we have a tough day, those of us who are optimistic tend to remind ourselves that it could always be worse and that compared to some, we have it made. I think if we take the time to recognize the good in our lives instead of giving so much weight to negative aspects, we can think ourselves into positive health, which will eventually allow more positivity to come our way. The mind-body connection is so incredibly strong! I know that if I repeatedly tell myself that I’m going to get sick and focus on not feeling well, then guess what happens? I inevitably get sick! If I tell myself that I will be just fine and focus on strength and healing, I open this amazing door that seems to allow my body to actually get better.
Studies show that positive thinkers are healthier and less stressed. And I betcha they have a lovely effect on those around them too! So as we strive to be grateful examples to the children in our lives, we can positively affect the adults in our lives, too. Thankfulness is addictive! And the best part? Counting your blessings is FREE!
So here’s a thought – why don’t we make every day a day to give thanks? We all know that Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for all the goodness in our lives, but shouldn’t we take note of our blessings on a daily basis? Here’s a challenge for us all: starting on Thanksgiving, let’s encourage the children in our lives AND the adults to have an attitude of gratitude! Check out these fun family activities you can do to help inspire thankful thinking:
ABC Journal of Thanks
Designate a small notebook as your ABC journal. Have your little ones practice writing the alphabet, and help them draw a picture of something they are thankful for that begins with each letter. Don’t limit this journal activity to just the kids! Set a positive example and do it, too! Have fun cutting pictures out of magazines to represent what you’re thankful for or draw pictures yourself. You will treasure this special ABC Journal and will enjoy looking back on it in later years.
Wreath of Thanks
Transform a bunch of clothespins into a fun way to mark down what you’re grateful for. To make it, paint some clothespins, and once dry, attach them around a wire wreath frame. Cut a heart out of thick cardstock and attach to the center of your wreath. Write, “I’m thankful for…” on the heart and then customize each clothespin with a different moment of gratitude. You can pull out this ultra special wreath every year to celebrate your thanks!
Our Daily Thanks
Make a gratitude calendar. Make a base (you can use foam core or a poster) and use mini craft envelopes or regular small envelopes to represent each day of the month. Each day, every family member puts a note in the envelope describing something they are thankful for. At the end of the month, entertain each other by opening the envelopes and reading aloud the notes of thanks inside. This will not only instigate conversation but inspire everyone with an air of positivity!
Fabric of Life
Dress your table with a plain tablecloth. Fill a tumbler, large cup or bowl with permanent fabric markers and encourage everyone to write or draw one reason for thanks on the cloth each day. You’ll end up with a linen full of gratitude for your Thanksgiving feast or special dinner.
Sunflower Plant of Thankfulness
Transform a paper plate into a blooming sunflower plant filled with black bean “seeds” and card-stock “petals.”
To make it, paint a paper plate black, then glue black beans to the center of the dry plate. Cut out enough petals from yellow card stock to fit around the rim of the plate. Think of thankful words and phrases to write onto each petal, then glue the pieces to the rim. Make the stem by painting a paint-stir stick (found at the hardware store) green, and embellish it with sticker letters and raffia.
Remember: Don’t limit your thankfulness to one day. Let’s carry out an attitude of gratitude throughout the entire year!
Within three weeks, I have seen two friends bury their parents. Death is never easy. The final chapter in a life, even if it is one well lived, never comes as easy, even if you are “prepared.” The first home-going service was for the mother, of my friend, who had been battling cancer for a while. Her service lasted well over an hour, an indication of the type of life Mrs. Green lived. She was the loving mother of ten, a wife of 50 years, a community servant, and a pastor at her local church. As each person eulogized her, the theme was the same; Mrs. Green was a caring, loving, and no-nonsense woman who would give you her last if that meant you had the best. Mrs. Green was a woman worth emulating. Unfortunately, Ms. Green was diagnosed with cancer. She outlived many of the doctors’ reports. And even as she fought this disease she prepared her family for her journey home. Even in death she was still thinking of others.
My other friend buried her father last week. Mr. Charles was diagnosed 8 weeks ago with cancer. According to doctor’s reports, Mr. Charles was given 6 months to live. My friend uprooted her family, moved back home to spend the final 6 months with her Daddy. Mr. Charles would subcome to cancer. He did not make 6 months. At his home-going service, I learned Mr. Charles was a family man, active in church, kind to strangers and loved by many.
Life is precious. Life is fragile. Life is a vapor.
I do not know what it is like to lose a parent. How do you prepare? I have asked myself this several times especially over the past few weeks. I don’t have a profound answer; just a thought that time is a gift. Time is what I heard my friend, who lost her father so quickly, stated she wanted more of it. Time can be our most precious gift.
I was a 13 year-old volunteer candy striper at my local hospital in New York. I would sit with patients, help nurses, and deliver flowers and a few smiles. I really liked the job. One day I was helping a patient, a woman hooked up to an oxygen machine. I felt for that lady, even as a 13 year-old, my heart hurt for her. The nurse came in and asked me to help change her bed sheets. As we began the process, her breathing became more labored. The nurse turned to me, motioned for me to stop and said, as if she were the judge, “She is dying.” I was shocked. Here I am holding this lady in my arms listening to her fight with her last breathe, eyes wide open looking right into mine. I was stuck. At 13 years old, I wanted to run away! I wanted to just deliver flowers and smiles, and now death has ruined that. The nurse ran out the room to get the doctor. I continued to hold this lady as she took her last breath. On the inside I felt like she did not need to be alone in that moment. She died. The nurses on the unit called my mom, who comforted me. I left the hospital early that day and my job as a candy striper was short lived. I never met her family. I did not know much about her. I often wondered if she had any children or if she was married. I wondered if she was “ready” to die. Who is ever ready to die? I wondered if she had regrets.
I decided long ago never to live in regrets with loved ones. I think the mourning process becomes difficult many times because there are unspoken words, unforgiveness, regrets and time lost. Even as I think about the fact that my parents will die someday, I can say I have been the best daughter to them (I have repented for the teenage years. Smile.). The old adage goes, “Give people their flowers while they are still living.” I talk to my parents often and when I do, I tell them how much I love and appreciate them. My parents may not have done everything right, but I am thankful for them. I make sure they know it. I am discovering parenting does not come with an instructional manual, but through the grace of God and His wisdom you can raise children.
I want when my parents leave this earth for my heart to be at rest. I will miss them. I will cry. However, I will know I gave them the best of me when they were living.
Both of my friends gave their best of themselves while their parents were living. I saw my friend pack up her home within a week, giving away what she could not take, selling the rest, transferring her children from their school to move two hours back home to be with her father in his last moments. I have seen my other friend travel back and forth to spend time with her mother at the hospital and through chemo treatments. They both served their parents well.
As my husband and I sat through their parents’ final celebration of life, I thought how I never really got a chance to meet their parents. However, I felt like I knew them through their daughters. Every story, joke and personal testimony described my two friends. What an indication of a life well lived. That is legacy. So, as my friends deal with the difficult part of the holidays without their loved ones, I hope they can find some peace in knowing they served their parents well, and even though mom and dad are gone, they are still part of their lives by how they live it.
This story is dedicated to Sharranda and Denise. Although we hate to see a good book come to an end, however, a good book well written always inspires those who read it. Remember that in the weeks and months ahead. (Matthew 25:23)
I will never, ever forget that day – Friday, March 16, 2007. I was 11 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child and scheduled for a routine ultrasound. My nerves were a wreck. My husband had been away for 3 weeks working a shift of border patrol for the SC National Guard, and I had experienced some spotting during that time. It was nothing major and the midwife had assured me that if it stopped on its own that everything was most likely fine, but we would make sure when I came in for my appointment on the 16th.
The nurse came to the door and said that my doctor was running late after his shift at the hospital; I could either reschedule my appointment or wait. I immediately said that I wanted to wait because I’d been having some issues and wanted to make sure that everything was okay.
When he arrived, we went back in the exam room and my OB started the ultrasound. At 11 weeks, we should have been able to see some sign of the baby, but couldn’t. He switched from the external ultrasound to the vaginal ultrasound, thinking maybe my dates were wrong and I wasn’t as far along as we had originally suspected. However, our fears were realized when he said that while the gestational sac was present, there was no baby; it had not developed. Tears flooded my eyes. I was heartbroken. I was devastated.
My OB-GYN and his staff were absolutely wonderful. They hugged me and offered their condolences and words of consolation and prayers. The decision about how to proceed was left to us; we could wait for my body to realize that there was no baby to support and it would begin the miscarriage process on its own or I could schedule a D&C. The uncertainty of when that might happen, combined with the fact that Pierce was only 15 months old caused us to schedule a D&C for the following Monday.
We left the doctor’s office in tears and headed back to my office. I couldn’t face anyone right then, so my husband went in to tell my co-workers what had taken place and that I would not be back that day. We went home and made the phone calls to our immediate families and our closest friends.
I just didn’t understand why or how this had happened. I had had such an easy pregnancy with Pierce; I was, literally, the woman other women loved to hate. I never had morning sickness, no spotting, no swelling, and minimal weight gain. Pregnancy had been so easy for me – how could I now be on the cusp of miscarrying? I blamed myself. Surely I had done something that had caused this situation. I thought that maybe even God was punishing me for things I had done in my past.
That weekend I experienced the worst physical and emotional pain of my life. Emotionally, I was drained, devastated, and just wanted to get everything over with and get back to “normal.” Physically, my body began to miscarry and I wound up in the Emergency Room. Monday morning came and I underwent the D&C. God bless my doctor, the nurses, the anesthesiologist and the nurse anesthetist; they did everything to make me comfortable, put my mind at ease, and to keep me from getting sick after surgery.
The partial ending of this story is that about 5-6 months after my miscarriage, I became pregnant with my precious Smith and my pregnancy with him was, like my pregnancy with Pierce, pretty easy and enjoyable. Other than the initial concerns, until we heard his heart beat, and saw him growing well in utero, it was a great pregnancy. Unfortunately, my miscarriage also had a profound negative effect on my marriage and less than 4 years later, I would be divorced.
I share my story with you because as women we all know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but did you also know that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day? Too often, we neglect pregnancy and infant loss, because we are uncomfortable with it – we don’t know what to say. The truth of the matter is, pregnancy and infant loss is just like the death of someone else that you dearly loved. The biggest difference is that in most instances, you never knew the person that died; you may not have even known that the little person existed. But, to the parents, that little person had a name, hopes and dreams attached to him or her. That loss is just as important to the parents as the loss of a spouse or a parent or sibling; it can be devastating.
Even more so as, in most circumstances, there is no funeral or memorial service during which to say final goodbyes; no real opportunity for “closure.” Well meaning individuals try to console us by proclaiming that there can be other babies; they insist that something must have been wrong with the baby; or, that it was just simply God’s will. Their words, while well intentioned, often serve to lessen or negate the loss. Many feel that we should just be able to move on and live life as if the loss had never happened. Unfortunately, those losses have the power to transform families; some positively, others negatively.
For those of us who have loved and lost children we did not have the chance to ever know, we take a moment today to reflect and remember those tiny lives that touched us so immensely.
I would like more time. There, I said it. Last month, I talked to you all about my late nights, which resulted in a lack of sleep. I need more time. No, actually I need to prioritize. I have gotten better at getting to bed before the start of the next day. However, I need to be a better steward of my time – between dropping kids off, working from home, picking kids up, supervising homework, making dinner, going to bible study, and the list goes on and on and on. I have recently decided I am going to make my days and my time count! How about you?
I have started by making time for my family. In our busy-ness, we sometimes forget the people that matter the most. In our home we always have Friday nights as “Family Fun Night.” We have three young children: 2, 4, and 6 years old. As you can imagine, when we first started family night, it sometimes ended in complete disaster: sibling squabbles, crying, and me saying to my husband, “We are not doing that AGAIN!” But we stuck it out, and I can say my children look forward to it now, so much so we have added another day.
I am a big fan of creating memories with my family. Children grow up fast! Have you discovered that? Some of our favorite family memories have been putting a puzzle together, tag at the park, playing the matching game, and eating out at our favorite restaurant. I am so serious about family time, I have made a rule that I do not speak to clients on those two days. Time is a precious and valuable commodity. Years from now, you won’t want to look back and see that you wasted you precious time, so spend it with those who you love. Make it a point to prioritize your time. Time is a gift, so make sure you give it to the right people.
Here are some “Family Friendly” ideas. You can get the complete list at Discover Fun. Have you tried any of these? Let us know what you do with your family!
Attack a household chore as a team – then go out to celebrate!
Build a fort with pillows from the couch
Have a backyard vacation
Make up a funky dance with your children
Play miniature golf
Have a cooking or baking party
Get some old magazines and glue to put together a collage of your dreams
Make vacation plans for somewhere outrageous. Then work as a family to cut down on expenses and save money so you can actually go!
Set up an “Olympic Games” obstacle course in the backyard
Those letters loomed large in front of me. I’d heard them and had even casually commented in passing that I wondered if my children (two boys, two and half years apart) suffered from it. However, like many, I never actually believed that either of my sons suffered from it, always chalking their behavior up to the just being “boys.”
Well, that was, until last week.
My “fears” were realized. I use the term “fears” loosely. True fear was last fall when I spent five days waiting for test results from a biopsy of an enlarged lymph node on my oldest son; I truly felt a weight lift from my shoulders when the nurse said his cancer panel was negative.
However, we all have hopes and dreams for our children and when we realize that there is going to be a stumbling block placed in front of them, we fear that unknown- that uncertainty.
After many months of counseling with a child therapist, during which she had given me the Vanderbilt testing forms, we reviewed the results together after both my son’s teacher and I had completed them. They weren’t very favorable. However, we chose not to address the test results with the pediatrician just yet. Instead, we chose to continue counseling through the summer. I was fearful of taking a lassaiz faire approach and just “sticking” him on medication.
Two weeks into first grade, my opinion began to shift.
“He is not focusing on his work. Could you please speak with him?” said the note from the teacher. This was on the second day of class. “I am having trouble getting Pierce to focus on his work again today,” said the email less than a week later.
“He’s crying every time we try to talk to him or work on his homework with him,” said the phone call later that same afternoon from our church after school program.
Something had to be done. If it was not ADD/ADHD, then my son was definitely experiencing some anxiety issues that I was ill prepared to handle in a six-year-old. Having long suffered from anxiety issues myself, I benefit greatly from daily medication and counseling. A visit to the pediatrician was definitely in line.
My pediatrician reviewed the Vanderbilt forms. She reviewed some of Pierce’s schoolwork. She listened as I described his behaviors. She observed him in the office, where he was not being “bad” or truly “mischievous,” but was constantly on the move.
He was positively ADHD. She had no doubts; even telling me, that if she had any doubts she would recommend counseling and would not prescribe medication, and that if it were her own son, she would try medication.
So we left the office with a prescription for Focalin, which we started the very next morning.
“I have seen a change already! He has kept up with all the work so far today!!!” said the email from his teacher after I notified her of what had occurred the afternoon before.
“He finished all of his homework in about half the time and even had time to do a few extra sheets. Now he’s playing,” were the words said to me when I picked my boys up from the after school program.
I’ll admit that I was a bit skeptical that the medication could work that quickly. However, Pierce’s counselor assured me that it could, and most likely had, worked that quickly.
Now comes what I deem the hardest part: learning to live with the ADHD diagnosis. No, it is not life threatening, and for that, I am grateful. However, it is a stumbling block- one I really never considered. Just as a child who is diagnosed with juvenile diabetes (although that can be life threatening and much more severe than ADHD), it is a diagnosis with which we must learn to function.
Like so many other issues and events, the actual “patient” is not the only one affected by the diagnosis; for us to overcome it as a family, it will require changes by everyone. My son’s counselor has suggested changes to our morning and evening routines to create clear structure and boundaries. She has said that better organization in our home will also help him focus better and prevent him from being overwhelmed with too many choices. We have also already added additional help with his reading to hopefully help him catch up and help boost his confidence level.
I am comforted both by my decision-making process and the timing of that decision, knowing that we had already taken steps to help him out, non-medically, through counseling. We had tried another approach and it did not solve the dilemma. At the end of the day, while I struggled with the ADHD diagnosis and the decision to medicate my son, I think it was the right decision.
