April is Sexual Assault and Child Abuse Prevention Month. Last month, I shared with you why we cannot remain silent about this issue any longer. Did you know that according to experts, ONLY 1 out of 10 sexually abused children will come forward and tell someone about it? This means that even your well-meaning child whom you already had a discussion with about safe and unsafe touch, might not speak to you if they become a victim of sexual assault.
As a mother of three young children, I am always rehearsing and talking with them about stranger danger, as well as the danger that could happen with the very people they know. A scary thought, I know, but we cannot live in fear; we MUST be proactive. Rosalyn Moses, Executive Director of the Family Resource Center trains and equips teachers, counselors, parents and children on this topic. She says we must first begin by talking to our children about sexuality and sexual abuse in age-appropriate terms. Ms. Moses says by doing so, it teaches children that it is okay to talk to you when they have questions.
Here is how the conversation should go:
Credit: Michal Marcol
Teach children the names of their body parts, not nick names, so they have the language to ask questions and express concerns about those body parts.
Teach children that some parts of their bodies are private.
Let them know people should not be touching or looking at their private parts unless they need to touch them to provide care.
If someone does need to touch them in those private areas, a parent or trusted caregiver should be there too.
Tell children that if someone tried to touch those private areas or wants to look at them, or if someone tries to show the child their own private parts, they should tell a trusted adult as soon as possible.
ALL children should be told that it’s okay to say “no” to touches that make them uncomfortable or if someone is touching them in ways that make them uncomfortable that they should tell a trusted adult as soon as possible.
Don’t try to put all this information into one big “talk” about sex.
Be interested in your child’s activities by asking questions about their day.
Talk about the media, especially if your child watches a lot of television or plays video games. Use these opportunities to start up conversations about sexuality and sexual abuse.
Know the other adults that your child may talk to.
Be available, spend time with your child and let them know they can come to you if they have questions or if someone is talking to them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable.
Ms. Moses also adds, “When you empower your child to say ‘NO’ to unwanted touch and teach them that they can come to you with questions and concerns, you take critical steps to preventing child sexual abuse.”
As parents, the best we can ever do for our children is prepare them. While I would hope that no child would ever have to deal with the trauma of sexual violence, it is still a dark reality. However, if we take the time to shed light on it now, we can eventually eradicate this epidemic from our community.
Want to know more? All of the statewide Child Advocacy Centers are available for training. You can locate a local CAC by visiting www.scmcac.org. If you are a victim or need to find a rape crisis center, you can find one your area by going to www.sccadvasa.org.
We all know that kids indeed can say the darnedest things. And us parents and teachers certainly experience our share of interesting situations when we react with either chuckles, body shaking laughter or complete, speechless horror at what we hear come out of kids’ mouths!
Over Spring Break, I had the pleasure of experiencing this sort of thing at its height. My precious children never cease to amaze me with their brilliant minds. Sometimes their 9 and 7 year old ways of thinking truly astound me–in all sorts of ways. I thought I’d share just two occurrences with you fabulous readers–it’s sure to make you giggle, laugh out loud or at least smile!
So one night my 9 year old, angel girl Miss Mina, had climbed into bed with me at some point in the wee hours of the night and she promptly woke up way too early. I opened my eyes to this precious lil’ blonde fairy child staring right into my face, literally about an inch away from my nose. As soon as my eyes opened, that was her cue – Yay! Mommy’s up! Her mouth immediately went into overdrive. As we snuggled, the stories and questions went on and on. (This is one of those times as a parent when you really wish you could get video footage!) One of her topics of discussion was, “If you could have ten wishes for life, what would they be?” I struggled to make my brain operate at 6 a.m., knowing that not only had she awoken me, but she’d also woken up the dog too, who was itching to go out to do his business. So one of my ten wishes was, “I wish pets never had to pee or poop.” This naturally prompted a ‘kids say the darnedest things’ moment…my Mina’s immediate response, with total serious concern, was “But Mommy, their butts would explode!” ☺ Oh let me tell ya, I was awake then! I started laughing so hard, she couldn’t help but laugh with me, though she was still very concerned about these pets whose butts would explode if they never peed nor pooped. This led to a discussion, led by her of course, about how animals would just look too weird without their pee pee parts and as she put it, without butt cracks. I had to explain to her that with my wish, the pets would still have all their body parts and look the same, their insides would just be such that they’d never have to go potty, and therefore we’d never have to clean up their messes! Wouldn’t it have been totally priceless to have had a video or recording of that conversation!
Now moving on to my 7 year old son, Sawyer. Now there’s a kid whose personality and “ways” will keep you on your toes! He can be shy, overly sensitive and nearly impossible in one moment and a total ham the next. Over Spring Break my Mina was sick and required a visit to the doctor. We had about an hour and a half before the doctor could see us, so I decided to utilize that time to take Sawyer to get a much needed hair cut. We went to Snip Its, which my child usually LOVES. On this particular day, he decided a haircut was the last thing in the world that he wanted to do and he proceeded to torture me during the entire experience. Pouting, moaning, groaning, tears, the whole bit, and all while my precious Mina was feeling absolutely terrible with fever and an awful stopped up head. So I did the ‘Mommy tap dance’ to try to keep everyone happy and tried to convince the stylist that my boy really isn’t a total pisspot all the time.
We survived the haircut experience and Sawyer looked incredibly handsome. Well, he must’ve picked up on the fact that he really did like his haircut because some way, somehow, by the time we got back to the doctor’s office and were sitting in the examine room, Sawyer had turned into a confident, wild comedian. And I’m not kidding, this kid WAS ON! I’m talking, constant fart noises, bouncing around, jokes and all. Fortunately the doctor was a friend of mine that I cheered with in high school, who has young children of her own, so she kept reassuring me that it was ok every time she saw the look of embarrassment on my face. I seriously thought I was going to have to duct tape Sawyer to a chair in order to get him to chill – that is how “ON” he was. So here’s one of my kids having to endure her throat being swabbed and a long q-tip stuck into her nose up to what seemed like was too close to her brain to test for flu – and we all know that is NOT fun! And my angel girl was the most amazing patient ever. The child did not even cry! I think I would have cried had it been me! I was utterly amazed at my child.
Well after experiencing that, feeling terrible, and then adding Sawyer’s wild antics to the picture, let’s just say, Mina was about ready to kill her brother…literally. Mina declared, “I wish I was an only child! Mommy, I’m mad at your tummy for making Sawyer!” I proceeded to look up at my doc friend and under my breath say, “Well, it wasn’t my tummy that’s responsible for making the kid.” Of course supersonic, wild man Sawyer didn’t miss a beat, and he declares, “Yea, it’s your pee pee’s fault! I came out of your pee pee!” followed by a mischievous, evil laugh…… my oh my, yep, the body shaking laughter followed after that one. The doctor literally about fell out of her chair! Even Mina was laughing. It was the pinnacle of it all, after all his poot noises and other silly antics, and proved to be one of those moments in which the only thing you could do was laugh! Oh and let me tell ya, Sawyer knew he’d pulled a good one; I thought the kid might even bow or something! He followed suit with inappropriate declarations of where he thought babies came from. Yea, it got bad – I had to stifle the laughter something fierce and kick into threatening Mommy mode to get the kid to hush. I felt awful for the people outside waiting – all these sick people who feel terrible and they’re having to hear us all cutting up and laughing in the examining room, not cool! And it doesn’t end there!
We get Mina’s diagnosis – which was NOT good – she tested positive for the flu! ☹ The doctor walks us out of the room, everyone is watching us of course, probably wondering what in the heck was going on or ready to pummel us for seeming to be having way too good of a time with all the wildness and laughter. I have my Mina tell the doctor thank you and she does so with total, polite sweetness. Then I look over at Sawyer, who’s standing there looking down, already playing a game on his Kindle, and I tell him to apologize to the doctor for being such a wild child. He immediately looks up, all wide eyed with a crazy face and simply yells “Weiner!” and then goes right back to his game. Yep, my son, in front of EVERYONE. In response to my request that he say he was sorry, he looks right up at the doctor and yells the word “weiner.” No kidding. Even the sick people waiting laughed at this one. It was unbelievable. I will never, ever forget that moment. As a mother, it’s one of those unforgettable experiences with your children that you will remind them of for years and years to come! If only I had had a video of the whole thing, it would’ve been YouTube gold! I could’ve won tons on America’s Funniest Home Videos!
Once we finally escaped to the car, even Mina, with her 101.9 fever and aches, declared that she felt better from all the laughing! I tell ya, you can’t write this stuff. It was really just one of those days in which I felt like I was living out a comedy sitcom or had to have been on a hidden camera show or something. It was one for the memory books, for sure! So to conclude, YES indeed, kids say the darnedest things! ☺
In an ode to this subject, I thought I’d share some videos that you are sure to enjoy. Most of you will probably remember the television show hosted by Bill Cosby back in the late 90s, Kids Say the Darnedest Things. He drew inspiration and showed clips from the classic Art Linkletter show, Art Linkletter’s House Party. These clips are fantastic! Enjoy! And please do share with me any of your own experiences in which you’ve been around a kid that said the darnedest things!
Before we welcome April, I want to briefly recognize International Women’s Month, which was celebrated in March. So here is a cyber high five to all the women out there making their world more fabulous! I also wanted to talk about a cause which overwhelmingly effects, but is not limited to, women. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network), every 2 minutes someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted. This means that the woman or man in front of you at the grocery store, in your office or next to you at church may have been a victim of sexual assault. The problem of sexual assault is an epidemic in our country, our state, and more specifically, our community. We have all read the headlines of a young child assaulted by a family member or friend.
According to the Department of Health and Environmental Control (DHEC), in 2011 more than 5-thousand victims of sexual assault in South Carolina received services from the 16 sexual assault centers across the state. According to experts, 85% of victims know their perpetrator. And according to the SC DHEC, predators are not just the stereotypical males; female perpetrators are on the rise, victimizing both male and female children.
Credit: Michal Marcol
Sexual abuse is not just a cultural or socioeconomic problem. It transcends all economic, geographic, race and class barriers. Cases of abuse can be found in large and small families, in cities and in rural communities, and in homes, schools, churches and even businesses. Sexual abuse is not just something that is played out on NBC’s Law & Order. It is not just something you read about. It is happening to the people we love and we cannot afford to remain silent any longer.
There is a battle going on to protect children from sexual violence. Allies are working hard across our state to make sure the issue remains in the public eye. One of those allies is The Family Resource Center of Kershaw and Lee Counties. The mission of the Family Resource Center for Abuse Prevention and Counseling is two-fold:
The agency is committed to social change by raising awareness of the causes and consequences of abuse and violence in our community. As a victim-centered organization, the Family Resource Center provides quality counseling and support services to child and adult survivors of emotional, physical and sexual trauma along with their family members.
I became a board member of The Family Resource Center last year and I have seen the importance of this agency in our community. The Family Resource Center provides FREE services such as counseling and forensic interviews which are later used in cases to prosecute the offenders. The Center provides educational services to churches and schools on how to report and prevent abuse, rape crisis and teen prevention. Volunteers rally for more statewide support, partner with community agencies, and leave their warm beds in the middle of the night to sit with victims at the hospital, all while dealing with an increasingly shrinking budget mostly comprised of grants. Rosalyn Moses, the Executive Director for The Family Resource Center is a gem in the crown of protecting children. Her passion, commitment and hard work cannot be compared. She is a champion for this cause and South Carolina is blessed to have her on its team. Rosalyn does not just sit behind a desk. No, she is putting her feet to the ground, speaking with victims, law enforcement and anyone who has an ear about the importance of this issue.
Let’s face the reality here. This issue is not going away for a myriad of reasons which include, but are not limited to, our over-sexed society, the lack of respect for human life and the cycle of abuse that continues without people receiving the healing they so desperately need.
The Family Resource Center is important to victims as it serves as a place of refuge. We need places like The FRC in our community. So, how can you get involved? I am so glad you asked.
Volunteer at a local child advocacy center.
Make a financial donation; either a 1 time donation, regularly, or via United Way.
Request for training and other education programs for your place of worship, school or agency.
Speak out! Tell your friends, family, and co-workers that violence against children is not tolerated. Become a champion for the cause.
I believe as a community of women it is our responsibility to be our sisters’ and yes, even our brothers’ (young boys are victims of abuse too) keepers. We cannot remain silent. In this case silence is not golden; it is deadly. The louder the more of us speak, people will eventually have to listen.
April is Child Abuse & Sexual Assault Awareness Month. In a few weeks, I will share with parents what you need to know to prevent sexual abuse.
Who doesn’t like getting a pat on the back or hearing a job well done? As a mom, it seems like I spend a great deal of time applauding my children for their good deeds. I do not mind because I firmly believe a child with a high self-esteem and self-worth translates into an adult who is a benefit to their friends, family and community. However, I have recently been wondering if we give too many “rewards” for the sake of making sure children feel appreciated? And is this practice really damaging?
Here is my case: I have a 2 year-old boy, a 5 year-old girl and a 6 year-old girl. All three attend school. Yes, even the 2 year-old goes three days a week. All three are rewarded and recognized for “good” behavior at the end of the week. For example, when the 6 year-old keeps all her M&M’s at the end of the week she can make a trip to the treasure box. I understand it is a way to teach the benefit of following the classroom rules and being a good citizen in school. I believe that in those early years with our children we should teach them about both the good and bad consequences of their decisions. However, here is my quandary: When are rewards just too much? I have found lately that my children want a “treat,” as they call it, for everything.
“Mommy, I cleaned up my room. Can I get a treat?”
“Mommy, I kept all my M&M’s. Can I get a treat?”
“Mommy, I just shared with my brother. Can I get a treat?”
My husband has never been a huge fan of this practice because it creates an expectation that they MUST be rewarded or celebrated for everything they do, even if what they do should be expected. At first when the girls started school, I bought into this practice of rewarding their behavior for every activity. I can remember when it started. It started with potty training. We adopted the Dora the Explorer attitude. “Yay, You Did It!” I encouraged with words of affirmation and gifts of celebration. Now, fast forward to the present. After years of rewards, we are teaching our children that the best reward is the knowledge that you did the right thing. As you can imagine this does not go over well with the 5 year-old who is particular to celebration. I guess old habits die hard.
I really started thinking about this in terms to our world. How many times this week did you receive a pat on the back? Or receive a “reward” for a job well done? My pastor recently said something that really resonated with me. He said we are parenting mini adults. What we set up now will be what they live out as an adult. That is a sobering thought. Recently, while my 5 year-old practiced writing her letters, she started crying and really needed some reinforcement. I encouraged her but I realized quickly she wanted me to say that if she did the work she would receive a reward. My husband picked up on this too and told her she is not always going to be celebrated or given a reward to do what she needs to do. Isn’t that life? Our job as parents is to prepare our children for life. In life you may be picked last for the dodge ball game, in life you will get an “A” on a project but your teacher may not give you an additional reward, and in life, when you take care of responsibilities like cleaning the kitchen or paying your bills, you may not get a reward each and every time.
Here is the bottom line: I have learned how to prioritize the reward system. I have often reminded the girls that sometimes the best reward is being proud for making a good decision. Rewards like candy, a little toy or gold stars are all good, but the best reward is when you know in your “knower” you have done the right thing and that is reward enough!
What do you think? Do you reward your children every time they do something well? Do you think the “rewards” system is setting our children up for failure?
Those of us who live in South Carolina are incredibly lucky to have a wonderful local children’s museum. Back in the late 90s, before I had moved to California, I worked in public relations for the Greater Columbia Chamber of Commerce. While there, I was present when EdVenture was proposed to the leaders of the city. To see this great vision become a reality is truly spectacular! EdVenture’s mission is to inspire children, youth and the adults who care about them to experience the joy of learning. Their vision is to create new generations of lifelong learners. For every child who visits EdVenture, seeing will be believing and doing will mean remembering. All exhibits at EdVenture are hands-on and experiential. Being a supporter and teacher of arts integration, I personally love this form of hands-on education and love to see children of all ages interacting with the exhibits.
My Aunt Susan recently treated my kids and me to a fun visit to this impressive place. I thought I’d share some of the fun from our recent visit! If you have not yet checked out the excitement of Edventure, I encourage you to take advantage of this interactive, educational adventure.
Thanksgiving morning started off with me leafing through the many sale ads in the newspaper while sipping coffee with The Today Show playing in the background. I would look up once in awhile to watch the segments that caught my ear, but for the most part, I was happily enjoying the peace and quiet while planning which stores to go to on Black Friday. I was planning my attack to get a chunk of our Christmas shopping finished, so it was going to take something special to lure me away from the sales. Then, it happened. I watched the story on Savannah’s Soldiers and I knew then that I wanted to tell my Every Woman blog family about it!
Savannah Maddison Ogden is an 11-year old girl with an inspirational story. When her friend’s father was deployed to Afghanistan, she was sad for her friend and wanted to do what she could to help her friend through it. She wrote a song for her friend to show her support, but she felt that wasn’t enough. Savannah wanted to do more, not just for her friend’s dad but also for others who had been deployed for a long time.
I can’t imagine my parents going away for that long,” the 11-year-old told the Today Show. “That would crush me.”
She and her friend tried to think of ways to support the troops. They quickly realized that the way they could comfort the soldiers who are so far away from home would be to send them heartfelt letters expressing their appreciation for the soldiers’ sacrifice. The idea was to get kids of all ages to write letters. Savannah and her family would gather the letters, then split them into groups to mail overseas. That’s when “Savannah’s Soldiers” was born. Since then, the campaign has already encouraged kids to send more than 10,000 letters to troops in Afghanistan.
What started out as a local effort is growing by the day! In the beginning, Savannah and her friends collected approximately 30 letters each week. Now, as reported on the Today Show, Savannah is speaking at schools and events to encourage kids to write to the soldiers who have been deployed overseas.
“Anything from home always makes you feel good,” Capt. Bryan Durham told the Today Show. “When you get a letter from a little kid saying, ‘Good job,’ ‘We’re thinking of you,’ ‘Thank you,’ you can’t explain it.”
One of the reasons why I wanted to pass this along to my Every Woman Blog family was to spread the word to others, get our kids to mail letters in, and support Savannah! I am so inspired by this 11-year old girl from Florida and she makes me want to be a better person. This was exactly the story I needed to hear on Thanksgiving, as this is the time of year to count our blessings and to thank those that sacrifice every day to fight for the freedom we take for granted.
Savannah, thank you for reminding us that there are many soldiers spending time away from home this holiday season and that we need to let them know thankful we are for all that they do every day for our country. You are a true inspiration to so many, and I, for one, am thankful for all that you are doing!
Halloween is upon us. As we all carve our pumpkins, string spider webs on our porches and hang skeletons about the house, the kids are eagerly anticipating one thing. No, it’s not dressing up in their costumes. It’s not Halloween carnivals, nor the actual event of trick-or-treating. It’s all about the candy. Plain and simple.
Now, I’m a mom to a 6 year old. She’s like all kids: energetic, curious, funny, and she loves candy. So, like all good parents, my husband and I try to be conscientious about the frequency and amount of candy (and other sweets) she’s allowed to consume. We want her to continue to eat veggies and refuel her muscles with lots of protein, but sometimes it’s a battle. We hear things like, “Did I eat enough to have dessert?” I can’t even tell you how crazy this question makes me. I don’t want her thinking of a meal as a gateway to dessert. But, as often as I get annoyed and agitated about it, I try to talk myself down by reminding myself that she is, in fact, a kid. And to be quite honest, if she didn’t want candy and dessert, I’d probably be just as worried that something is wrong. (”Wait, she’s a kid and she never wants sweets? What’s wrong?!?”)
So, let’s go back to Halloween. It’s all about the candy. In recent years, many folks have meant well and handed out bags of microwave popcorn, little bags of “Halloween pretzels”, spooky bubbles, baggies of Halloween erasers and organic gummy stuff. The worst of all is the doling out of toothbrushes. What is this about? Do we need to review what Halloween is about? Really, people? Really?
It’s about the candy- all about the candy. As a kid, the best part of the whole evening was coming home and dumping it all out on the carpet and spreading it out to see all the goodies that I scored.
I even sorted the candy! Since I wasn’t crazy about Snickers, so those went to my mom. No kid likes the miniature Hershey’s “special dark” and never has, but you have to hand it to Hershey’s. They’ve continued making that vile candy bar in hopes that they’d eventually convince everyone else to eat it. Thanks to that French woman telling us all how she doesn’t get fat, dark chocolate has finally gotten its 15 minutes of fame. But, back in the 70’s, they just went in the trash. I was a chocolate girl, so all the hard candy went to my friend Cathleen. Suckers went into their own pile and were saved. When all the chocolate was finally gone, the suckers were the last, sweet reminder of the Halloween spoils. But you know what the best part of it all was? On Halloween night, my parents NEVER told us “ok, just have 2 pieces and then we’re putting it away.” They let us eat our candy. With reckless abandon, no limits, and no boundaries. That is Halloween.
So, this year, my daughter is old enough to really take in all of the parts of Halloween: the lights, the jack-o-lanterns, the scary decorations, comparing costumes with the neighbor kids. She’ll collect a lot of candy and her mouth may fall open when I let her dump it all out on the floor and take inventory. And, as much as I try to limit sweets every other day of the year, on the night of October 31st, my baby is going to truly experience Halloween. And the candy. All the glorious candy.
I will never, ever forget that day – Friday, March 16, 2007. I was 11 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child and scheduled for a routine ultrasound. My nerves were a wreck. My husband had been away for 3 weeks working a shift of border patrol for the SC National Guard, and I had experienced some spotting during that time. It was nothing major and the midwife had assured me that if it stopped on its own that everything was most likely fine, but we would make sure when I came in for my appointment on the 16th.
The nurse came to the door and said that my doctor was running late after his shift at the hospital; I could either reschedule my appointment or wait. I immediately said that I wanted to wait because I’d been having some issues and wanted to make sure that everything was okay.
When he arrived, we went back in the exam room and my OB started the ultrasound. At 11 weeks, we should have been able to see some sign of the baby, but couldn’t. He switched from the external ultrasound to the vaginal ultrasound, thinking maybe my dates were wrong and I wasn’t as far along as we had originally suspected. However, our fears were realized when he said that while the gestational sac was present, there was no baby; it had not developed. Tears flooded my eyes. I was heartbroken. I was devastated.
My OB-GYN and his staff were absolutely wonderful. They hugged me and offered their condolences and words of consolation and prayers. The decision about how to proceed was left to us; we could wait for my body to realize that there was no baby to support and it would begin the miscarriage process on its own or I could schedule a D&C. The uncertainty of when that might happen, combined with the fact that Pierce was only 15 months old caused us to schedule a D&C for the following Monday.
We left the doctor’s office in tears and headed back to my office. I couldn’t face anyone right then, so my husband went in to tell my co-workers what had taken place and that I would not be back that day. We went home and made the phone calls to our immediate families and our closest friends.
I just didn’t understand why or how this had happened. I had had such an easy pregnancy with Pierce; I was, literally, the woman other women loved to hate. I never had morning sickness, no spotting, no swelling, and minimal weight gain. Pregnancy had been so easy for me – how could I now be on the cusp of miscarrying? I blamed myself. Surely I had done something that had caused this situation. I thought that maybe even God was punishing me for things I had done in my past.
That weekend I experienced the worst physical and emotional pain of my life. Emotionally, I was drained, devastated, and just wanted to get everything over with and get back to “normal.” Physically, my body began to miscarry and I wound up in the Emergency Room. Monday morning came and I underwent the D&C. God bless my doctor, the nurses, the anesthesiologist and the nurse anesthetist; they did everything to make me comfortable, put my mind at ease, and to keep me from getting sick after surgery.
The partial ending of this story is that about 5-6 months after my miscarriage, I became pregnant with my precious Smith and my pregnancy with him was, like my pregnancy with Pierce, pretty easy and enjoyable. Other than the initial concerns, until we heard his heart beat, and saw him growing well in utero, it was a great pregnancy. Unfortunately, my miscarriage also had a profound negative effect on my marriage and less than 4 years later, I would be divorced.
I share my story with you because as women we all know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but did you also know that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day? Too often, we neglect pregnancy and infant loss, because we are uncomfortable with it – we don’t know what to say. The truth of the matter is, pregnancy and infant loss is just like the death of someone else that you dearly loved. The biggest difference is that in most instances, you never knew the person that died; you may not have even known that the little person existed. But, to the parents, that little person had a name, hopes and dreams attached to him or her. That loss is just as important to the parents as the loss of a spouse or a parent or sibling; it can be devastating.
Even more so as, in most circumstances, there is no funeral or memorial service during which to say final goodbyes; no real opportunity for “closure.” Well meaning individuals try to console us by proclaiming that there can be other babies; they insist that something must have been wrong with the baby; or, that it was just simply God’s will. Their words, while well intentioned, often serve to lessen or negate the loss. Many feel that we should just be able to move on and live life as if the loss had never happened. Unfortunately, those losses have the power to transform families; some positively, others negatively.
For those of us who have loved and lost children we did not have the chance to ever know, we take a moment today to reflect and remember those tiny lives that touched us so immensely.
October is anti-bullying month. When I discovered the following video on a friend’s Facebook page, I knew I had to write about bullying. Please take a moment and watch the video before reading the rest of my post.
I am a former television news producer. I can tell you story after story of hurtful phone calls and emails from viewers. I never understood why people would take the time out of their schedule to call a news station to complain about someone’s hair, makeup, wardrobe or personality. I once took a call from a viewer who wanted to express to me her rather hateful and racist views, in hopes that I would agree. Needless to say, that conversation ended abruptly. You see, I do not, and I mean, DO NOT like bullies – especially those of the adult kind.
I have been on both ends of bullying. When I was in elementary and middle school, I was an ugly duckling. I had really bad acne, bad hair, low self esteem, and I developed faster than all my other friends. I was picked on constantly, even by those who said they were my friend. I am so grateful for a girl named Erica who still, to this day, is a dear friend. Even when she was with the “cool” crowd, she still was kind to me and never talked about me behind my back. I am not sure if she will ever understand how much her friendship meant to me during such a transformational time in my life.
Eventually, I learned I had to stand up to my bullies. That’s a good thing, right? Yes, but I also learned how to take the focus off me and in turn, point the bullies to someone else. So I then became a bully. I realize now that when you hurt, all you know how to do is hurt others. I relentlessly taunted another girl until one day, when I saw her crying. In that moment, I thought about how she must feel, and I stopped. I never wanted anyone to feel as dejected as I had for so long. Years later, I saw her. We were much older and much more mature, and I apologized to her. I knew it was the right thing to do. I made no excuses. I was honest and I apologized for my lack of kindness.
We hear a ton of stories about children bullying other children. I do not advocate that, and I constantly talk to my children about how to handle a bully. However, I think the adult bullying is even worse. Why? Because at some point, you should mature. You should understand that you don’t need to point out what people already know. For example, in the above video, the news anchor pointed out she is well aware of her weight and the health challenges it causes. There was NO need for this viewer (who by the way, does not watch the show on a frequent basis) to belittle her and point out the obvious. In my former profession I had to deal with my share of “bullies”. People who feel they are better than you and make it their mission to tell you so through their words and actions. I, however, do not subscribe to that thought. I have discovered that if you have to put others down to feel better about yourself, you really must have low self worth.
Sometimes it seems like our society has little to no regard for human life. We have more respect for animals (I’m not an animal basher) than we do for our neighbor. Our moms always told us, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” Did we forget that? What happened to having a filter? I am wondering if that viewer who sent Jennifer Livingston that email, thought for just one second about his words before hitting the send button? Words are powerful. The old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” is a lie. Words do hurt and many people are carrying around wounds from words that cut like a knife.
I applaud Mrs. Livingston for fighting back against her bully by calling him out on the air. I love the power of the media when it is used well. The best way to deal with a bully is to stand up and speak out. One of the greatest commandments given is to “Love our neighbor as we love ourselves” (Mark 12:31). Maybe if we spend a little more time loving ourselves in a healthy way, we will not have to spend time tearing someone else down.
Have you ever experienced bullying? How did you handle it? I would love to hear your story.
I would like more time. There, I said it. Last month, I talked to you all about my late nights, which resulted in a lack of sleep. I need more time. No, actually I need to prioritize. I have gotten better at getting to bed before the start of the next day. However, I need to be a better steward of my time – between dropping kids off, working from home, picking kids up, supervising homework, making dinner, going to bible study, and the list goes on and on and on. I have recently decided I am going to make my days and my time count! How about you?
I have started by making time for my family. In our busy-ness, we sometimes forget the people that matter the most. In our home we always have Friday nights as “Family Fun Night.” We have three young children: 2, 4, and 6 years old. As you can imagine, when we first started family night, it sometimes ended in complete disaster: sibling squabbles, crying, and me saying to my husband, “We are not doing that AGAIN!” But we stuck it out, and I can say my children look forward to it now, so much so we have added another day.
I am a big fan of creating memories with my family. Children grow up fast! Have you discovered that? Some of our favorite family memories have been putting a puzzle together, tag at the park, playing the matching game, and eating out at our favorite restaurant. I am so serious about family time, I have made a rule that I do not speak to clients on those two days. Time is a precious and valuable commodity. Years from now, you won’t want to look back and see that you wasted you precious time, so spend it with those who you love. Make it a point to prioritize your time. Time is a gift, so make sure you give it to the right people.
Here are some “Family Friendly” ideas. You can get the complete list at Discover Fun. Have you tried any of these? Let us know what you do with your family!
Attack a household chore as a team – then go out to celebrate!
Build a fort with pillows from the couch
Have a backyard vacation
Make up a funky dance with your children
Play miniature golf
Have a cooking or baking party
Get some old magazines and glue to put together a collage of your dreams
Make vacation plans for somewhere outrageous. Then work as a family to cut down on expenses and save money so you can actually go!
Set up an “Olympic Games” obstacle course in the backyard
